You may not be using the words “sex addiction,” but you might be asking something close to it: “Is my sexual behaviour becoming a problem?”
This question usually doesn’t come from what’s happening online. It comes from what’s happening in real life—where choices, consequences, and boundaries begin to feel less clear.
If you are single, you have likely rationalized your behaviour as just what single people do. I’m not ready to settle down, you are only young once, and sexuality is part of being a human…
If you are married or in a committed relationship, the rationalization and justification follow a different path. But still one that often requires living a double life.
This blog is less about what you’re doing and more about what it’s starting to cost you.
When Something Starts to Feel Off — Even If You Can’t Explain It
Often when people hear the term sex addiction, they think or respond with “Sounds like fun.” But sex addiction is not fun. It is a compulsive behaviour that leads to shame, anxiety, and depression as well as numerous other harmful consequences.
In the early stages a person may not identify or associate the symptoms and consequences. It usually starts with a vague feeling that something is off, that they feel disconnected, unhappy, like something is missing.
This usually follows the “high” of planning a hook up, getting ready to meet or engaging in the behaviour. These are moments of extreme pleasure followed by – the crash.
An internal tension builds between the excitement of the activity and the inevitable distress and “low” that comes after.
What People Assume “Sex Addiction” Looks Like
Clinically we are talking about one form of Compulsive Sexual Behaviour Disorder (CSBD). If you’re unsure whether this is even considered an addiction or a real condition, you can read more here: Are Sex Addiction and Porn Addiction Real?
Pornography, and other forms of digital or virtual behaviours are part of the disorder and there is often overlap with the virtual world and real-world behaviours. If you feel like porn is a part of your sexual behaviour problem, you can read more about porn addiction here: Am I Addicted to Porn? Signs It May Be More Than Just a Habit
Under the broad umbrella of this definition, for the purpose of this blog, we will look at behaviours that involve in-person interactions.
In extreme cases the person is failing to live up to obligations of work, relationships, friendships hobbies, and interests. They spend huge amounts of time thinking about, obsessing about and planning ways to hook up with a sexual partner. Their addiction has taken over their lives, and they feel out of control.
They engage in increasingly risky behaviours more frequently and many have tried to stop or told themselves they are going to stop but have failed to do so.
As the addiction takes hold, the addict is conflicted but managing or trying to manage their urges and their other major life areas. In a constant juggling act of compartmentalization, denial, half-truths and lies, they are trying to keep it all together.
Imagine the circus performer, spinning plates on poles and adding more and more plates. The performer knows their limits and stops before everything comes crashing down. The addict hopes for that, but more often it takes a moment of desperation—or being found out—before action is taken. No longer able to keep the plates spinning, they crash to the ground.
Most have lived for years in this place of internal disconnection, unaligned with their true self before this happens.
This article from the Mayo Clinic offers helpful insight into how significant this problem can become: Does Society Have a Sex Addiction Problem?
Signs Your Behaviour May Be Crossing a Line
One of the first indicators that your behaviour is crossing a line is if you are keeping it hidden or secret. Obviously, if you are in a relationship, hidden sexual behaviour with another person is beyond the point of “may be” crossing a line.
If you are single, would you be comfortable sharing with people who are close to you the exact nature of your sexual behaviour? The frequency, the ways you are finding sexual partners, the kinds of sexual partners, the risks you may be taking.
If you’re asking whether your behaviour is crossing a line, it likely already has. Escalation is a sign of addiction. Like with alcohol or drugs, more is needed over time to achieve the same effect. Is what you are doing today different or more frequent than it was when you first started?
With sex addiction blurred boundaries are concerning because they will lead to crossed boundaries. Is the flirtation filled with sexual innuendo? Are the business lunches or dinners strictly professional or are there hidden agendas or desires? There are always lines the addict has told themselves they would never cross, until they do.
The Double Life That Starts to Form
Addicts often talk about the double life they lead. Some recognize it before they get help and others not until they are in recovery. But it is always there.
Sex addiction requires secrecy, which is the start of a double life. Anything you need to do in secret; you probably shouldn’t be doing.
Similarly, the sex addict becomes a master at compartmentalization. Keeping their sexual behaviour separate from the rest of their life. It is exhausting – secrets, lies, rationalization, fear of being caught or found out. And the mental health toll is enormous – anxiety, depression, shame, feelings of being helpless and the situation being hopeless. The problem with compartmentalization – eventually the compartments leak into each other.
Then, there is loss of control, the preoccupation of thinking about, and planning sexual activities reduces connection with anyone you are in relationship with, your ability to focus and your productivity.
Why This Is So Hard to Talk About — Even With Yourself
Sex addiction is misunderstood and often carries stigma. People jump to uninformed conclusions and will often attach incorrect and emotionally charged labels on people.
Often a person feels their identity is at risk – the good husband, family man, the upstanding citizen, the star employee.
Will the people who need to know, stand by me, still love me and support me getting help?
This makes it hard to talk about with others, and it is even difficult to have heartfelt conversations with yourself. Admitting to something as personal and shame based as sex addiction, is one of the most difficult things to do. But also, one of the most liberating.
If You’re Trying to Make Sense of It
If you are trying to sort out your sexual behaviour and decide if you need to take some steps, the first one is this:
There is nothing wrong with you. Something happened to you. Through two decades of working with addicts, I know this is always the case.
Nobody chooses this life for themselves. Who in their right mind would put themselves through this and put so much at risk? It is a driven behaviour and needs a structured framework to unravel it and chart a new path forward.
You can take the next step by completing this online assessment and then chose a recovery path that is the right one for you.
For more information about CSBD (Compulsive Sexual Behaviour Disorder) you can check out the following articles:
Am I Addicted to Porn? Signs It May Be More Than Just a Habit
