If you spend any time researching this topic, you will quickly find that there is still disagreement about whether compulsive sexual behaviour should even be considered an addiction.

You might be asking questions like: “Is sex addiction real?” “Is porn addiction actually an addiction?” or even “Is my husband a sex addict, or is this something else?”

First, let me acknowledge if you are a spouse or partner asking this question, I understand why you might be doubting it, the confusion, pain and chaos you may be going through, and that you may be desperately seeking help or answers.

If you are someone who is asking because you are questioning your own behaviours, I understand your distress as well.

Back in 2013, I was asking similar questions, doing research and considering getting certified as a sex addiction specialist.

Since getting my certification in 2015, I have worked with hundreds of men and women who started out like you and me asking the question: “Really?”

This blog is intended to help you make sense of some of those feelings and questions and is based on over a decade of helping people navigate this difficult topic.

 

Are Sex Addiction and Porn Addiction Actually Real?

There are professionals with impressive credentials who argue that compulsive sexual behaviour is not an addiction. They will point to the DSM (Diagnostics and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), published by the American Psychiatric Association, and say it is not formally recognized as an addiction. They will frame it as a behavioural issue, a relationship problem, or in some cases, simply a matter of high libido.

On paper, those arguments can sound reasonable. In practice, they fall short. Because they are often based on theory, not on sitting across from people who are actually living this pattern day after day.

They will do this while ignoring that CSBD (Compulsive Sexual Behaviour Disorder) has been recognized by the World Health Organization in the ICD (International Classification of Diseases) since 2018.

For clarity about why one body recognizes it while another does not, we only need look at Alcoholism and its journey from being recognized by those suffering with it and trying to treat it to being included in the DSM.

It has long been acknowledged that Alcoholism is a disease. It has not always been the case. While the founders of AA realized it in 1935, it was not until 1956 that the American Medical Association acknowledged it as such, and 12 years later, in 1968 when it was added to the DSM as an addiction. A full 33 years after those suffering from it and their families knew from painful experience.

I do not believe we need to wait for the manuals to catch up with real life experience.

This medically reviewed article from the Cleveland Clinic: What Is Compulsive Sexual Behaviour Disorder? (CSBD), also calls it hypersexuality or sex addiction, and states it involves strong sexual thoughts, urges or behaviors that feel hard to control.

 

What I’ve Seen After Years of Working With Sex and Porn Addiction

When I was first introduced to this field, I was not entirely convinced myself. I saw it as something that might complement my background in substance abuse work. Interesting, perhaps useful, but I was not sure I would classify it in the same category.

That changed quickly.

Within a few sessions of facilitating groups of men, it became clear that what I was looking at was not simply a behaviour problem.

It was addiction. Not because of a label, but because of the pattern.

What I saw consistently were the same core elements:

  • a persistent mental preoccupation
  • a compulsion that overrode intention
  • repeated attempts to stop that did not hold
  • continuation of the behaviour despite very real consequences

Relationships were being damaged. Careers were being put at risk. Trust was being broken repeatedly. And yet, the behaviour continued.

Lies were being told, secrets were being kept, gaslighting was happening, the same way alcoholics and addicts behave to protect their addictions.

If we strip away the debate and simply look at what is happening, it fits the functional definition of addiction very clearly.

 

Why Understanding This Matters

For partners, the experience is one of betrayal, pain and confusion. And betrayal is trauma. It can be difficult to understand why the behaviour continues when the consequences are so clear.

Facilitating groups for partners of sex addicts was a humbling and educational experience. I heard of the feelings of hopelessness, feeling like their whole world could have been a lie, the different ways they could blame themselves even though they were not to blame. The fear of staying and the fear of leaving.

For the addict, there is often a growing sense of loss of control. They may feel ashamed, frustrated, and unsure of how to stop what feels increasingly automatic.

Both perspectives are valid. But both are incomplete if the behaviour is not understood properly.

When this is seen as addiction, it shifts the conversation from blame to understanding, from betrayal and its consequences of pain, fear and anger to healing.

Whether a partner chooses to stay in the relationship is not the issue in the early stages. It is about healing, being heard, having your experience validated and rebuilding.

For the addict, it is about change. Change they have not been able to make up to this point but with structure, guidance and support, they can.

 

Can You Recover From Sex and Porn Addiction?

The good news is that there is hope. When I started my practice twenty years ago, I only worked with people struggling with substance abuse. Since certifying as a sex addiction therapist, my practice is comprised of over 80% people struggling with compulsive sexual behaviour.

That is not because working with sex addicts is my preference, it is because this is a problem far greater than is reported and greater than we understand.

Success rates for the addicts are very high and if the couple chooses to work this through and follow the proven protocols, over 90% of them stay together. Many reporting their relationships being stronger than they believed possible.

If you think you may be addicted to sex or porn, you can take this free, online assessment. Sexual Addiction Self-Assessment If you are the partner of a sex or porn addict, you can look over the assessment, and you may already know enough about their behaviour to make some choices.

 

Closing

So, is this addiction?

From my perspective, after thousands of hours working directly with men who live this pattern, it is very difficult to describe it any other way.

Not because of what a manual says. But because of what it looks like in real life.

And the reason that matters is not about labels. It is about what that recognition allow us to do.

When something is understood clearly, it becomes possible to address it properly. There is a path forward.

But it begins with seeing the pattern for what it is and then choosing an approach that is strong enough to support real change.

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