If you are asking yourself, “Is my husband a sex addict”? you are already experiencing some level of fear and anxiety. Something about their behaviour has you worried and questioning.
Maybe you have found some text messages, some search history or you may have even discovered them in the act of doing something that is distressing. Possibly, it is just your intuition that has your nervous system sending you warnings that something is off.
You find yourself questioning, looking for clues or evidence. Maybe checking their phone, bank records, credit card statements, questioning their whereabouts. Wondering if there really was a meeting or if they were actually out with their friends.
You find yourself being hypervigilant, needing to know, and if you are at that point, you are starting to realize that trust is eroding and the story you have believed about your relationship may not be true.
For some people, it is being completely blindsided. You thought everything was going great in your life, in your relationship and then you find it: a receipt, an open browser window, a text message and your world is shattered.
In this blog, I will help you find answers to this very distressing question – one you thought or hoped you would never be asking.
But first, let me assure you, that while it may seem like it, you are not going crazy.
Discovery – The Moment Everything Changes
Let’s break this down in a bit of a timeline. The question you are asking yourself comes from one of two places:
- You feel something is off. Their behaviour is causing suspicion. It may be hiding their phone or taking it to the washroom, it may be quickly closing their laptop or getting up in the middle of the night to do some “work” because they can’t sleep. Maybe it is being evasive about who they were texting with or talking to on the phone. Maybe things seem “off” in the bedroom. They are less interested, or wanting to try things that are different than your usual sexual intimacy.
- You discover actual evidence of text messages, emails, or browser history. Maybe somebody contacts you to tell you they have seen your partner with another person. Or you find payments on bank or credit card statements, or secret accounts you didn’t know about. Maybe it is large cash withdrawals with no logical explanation.
In scenario #1, if your suspicions are correct, scenario # 2 follows closely behind. Your intuition and subsequent hypervigilance will reveal the behaviour or behaviours you were worried about.
In the world of sex addiction and treatment, we call this the moment of “Discovery”. And in that moment, it feels like the rug has been pulled out from under you. Your world no longer makes sense, and you don’t know where to turn or who to talk to. There is help, and you can fill out a contact form at: Life Recovery Healing and we will contact you to discuss your best options for navigating this difficult time.
Is it Sex Addiction or is it Porn Addiction? (And Does It Matter?)
From a clinical perspective, there is no difference. If it is determined that your partner is an addict, they are struggling with CSBD – Compulsive Sexual Behaviour Disorder and there are assessment tools to help determine if they are.
Having worked almost exclusively in this field for over a decade, I do think it is important to make a distinction. The distinction does not affect the way CSBD is treated.
You will find definitions that vary somewhat but based on my experience this one is probably the closest. It can be found in this article from the National Library of Medicine
“A mental health condition of a persistent pattern of failure to control intense, repetitive sexual urges, leading to significant distress or impairment in daily life. It is characterized by excessive time spent on sexual behaviors, neglecting health or interests, and inability to reduce behaviors despite negative consequences.”
To that definition, it is important to state the escalating nature of CSBD. When a person is engaging in these types of behaviours, they need increasing frequency and intensity to achieve the desired result or “high”. It is not unlike the alcoholic needing more and more alcohol to get the same effect or relief they are chasing.
The reason I distinguish between sex and porn addiction is how they are perceived by both the partner and the addict and how this impacts discussions between the two.
What Is Compulsive Sexual Behaviour Disorder (CSBD)?
The primary distinction is that sex addiction occurs in the real world, with real people meeting and engaging in sexual activities. Affair partners, sex trade workers (escorts, massage parlors) and hook-ups for casual, non-paid sexual activities.
Porn addiction occurs more in the virtual world. And the virtual world opens up an array of possibilities that range from watching porn, to sexting, chat rooms, and exchange of graphic images. More can be learned about this world in this blog: Is My Husband a Porn Addict?
The clarification is needed because in the case of person-to-person contact, the damage to the relationship is obvious and indefensible. A promise of exclusivity and fidelity is a sacred promise.
When it is virtual sexual activity, the addict will frequently use arguments like: “nobody is getting hurt”, “it isn’t really cheating” ,“ I can stop any time” and “all guys do it”.
If person to person infidelity has occurred, it can be a one-off occurrence of bad judgement, sometimes fuelled by alcohol or drug use. This does not excuse the behaviour but in cases where it has been one time or very limited, it may not rise to the level of addiction.
Even when it isn’t the case, the person will usually try to convince you it was just once, and it meant nothing. But it did to you.
It is important to understand, if it is addiction, it didn’t spontaneously appear. It will have been a repeated pattern and will have escalated over time.
Also, in a high percentage of cases of sex addiction (person to person) pornography or virtual sex is present. It is often the fuel that leads to personal contact.
What Happens When You Confront Him? (And What to Do Next)
It doesn’t matter if you are just suspicious or have the hard evidence, you need to confront your partner. Secrets and lies do more to harm a relationship than the actual addiction. They are the breeding ground. You expect and deserve honesty.
Be prepared. You are most likely to be met with denial, possibly gaslighting, maybe anger, indignation, rationalization, minimization and without a doubt, defensiveness. While these are not sure signs of addiction being present, if addiction is present, you will be met with most if not all of them.
Occasionally, the addict will be relieved at being found out as many report that they have been struggling, knowing how wrong their behaviour is and at not being able to stop. This is rare but can happen.
If it is a case of infidelity that is not addiction, you have some choices to make. One of them might be to have him contact us and allow us to conduct an assessment. You have the right to full transparency when making decisions of this nature, remembering that denial and minimization is a way to keep engaging in the behaviour.
If you are trying to make sense of what you’re seeing, these may help you go deeper:
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