People don’t set out to develop an addiction. They’re trying to cope.
They’re trying to quiet their mind, take the edge off, or get a break from something that feels overwhelming – even if they can’t fully explain what that “something” is.
The discomfort might be around something that is happening now, in the moment or it may have deeper roots and be more historical.
Failing to make the connection between what that “something” is can set up a pattern of returning to the substance or behaviour. And that pattern can lead to dependence and addiction.
What starts out to be a seemingly harmless – and at times even recommended – way of dealing with stress and anxiety may end up being anything but harmless.
Addiction Is Often Less About the Substance or Behaviour and More About Escape
The belief of a non-addict or loved one might be: “They love their alcohol or porn more than me or our family.” But the reality is the substance or behaviour is just a means to an end.
Addiction is a disease of escape. It provides a distraction, an altered state, and relief from current reality. And the problem is – it almost works.
For a brief time, the relief that was either consciously or unconsciously being sought, is provided. And each time that is done the brain is being programmed to do it again.
Soon, it’s not just about relief from one stressor. The brain has been trained to seek relief every time discomfort shows up. People aren’t trying to get addicted, they are seeking relief, to feel better, calmer or just different than the way the stress was making them feel. They are escaping reality.
Often, this is referred to as medication or numbing out.
Sometimes this pattern is developed as a way to deal with pain or trauma and information about this pattern can be found here: When Addiction is a Trauma Response
For this article we are going to focus on the role anxiety and stress play in the addiction cycle.
Stress and Anxiety Don’t Just Feel Uncomfortable — They Demand Relief
Almost everyone experiences stress at various times in their lives.
Stress and anxiety don’t just feel uncomfortable — they create urgency. An internal sense that something needs to change, settle, or stop.
Some stress is temporary. This is called acute stress – a reaction to something happening in the moment – and your system settles once it passes. But when stress and anxiety stick around, when they become chronic, they start to feel less like a passing state and more like constant internal pressure that needs somewhere to go.
Acute stress is supposed to rise and fall. But when your system gets used to escaping discomfort, it stops waiting for that natural resolution. The moment stress shows up, the mind starts looking for a way out — a pattern I often describe as Trigger, Excuse, Medicate.
The brain is wired to resolve discomfort quickly, so when something is found that achieves that, it remembers. It follows the path of least resistance.
Here is a simple explanation:
What starts out to be moments of pleasure in the brain’s reward centre is fueled by dopamine, the pleasure chemical. It feels good initially, so the brain wants more and more of it. For example, your favorite food or sex. So, when a discomfort happens, your brain tells you what will relieve the stress.
But over time, the dopamine receptors adjust by producing less and less dopamine so more of the substance or behaviour is needed to produce the same results.
Coping vs Escaping: The Line Most People Don’t Realize They’ve Crossed
Are you coping or escaping?
Often people will say they are using alcohol or porn to help them cope with stress. Coping and escaping might sound the same, but there is a significant difference.
Healthy coping involves actively managing emotions which helps build resilience and strengthens problem solving skills. Healthy coping can include journaling which helps with understanding and managing emotions, mindfulness practices, movement and social support.
Escaping (avoidance) provides temporary relief by numbing or ignoring stressors which makes things worse over time. Examples are substance abuse and watching porn or engaging in other sexual behaviours as ways to avoid or ignore or numb emotions.
How to Tell the Difference
What is the intent?
Is it a temporary pause to recharge and process, or a driven need to escape, avoid, or numb out?
What is the duration?
Does it help you return to reality feeling clearer, or does it consume time and leave you feeling worse?
What is the result?
Do you feel more capable afterward, or do you feel guilt, shame, and still overwhelmed?
Why the Brain Repeats What Works (Even When It’s Costly)
Let’s briefly return to the dopamine reward system. Because the brain is designed to seek relief, when you find something that gives the relief, it is natural for the brain to remember that. Relief = a reward, so it naturally follows that reward = repetition. Simply stated: “It worked, so you go back.”
Think of it like a dirt road. It takes you from where you are to where you want to be (your escape) and when you drive toward your escape again and again, the road develops ruts. They are easy to get into and hard to get out of.
Your brain is similar – a system of roads that messages travel down and the more frequently a message travels down the same road, the deeper the ruts get. It is the easiest path from point A (discomfort) to point B (escape).
Many people try to quit their addiction by willpower alone. Because of the ruts, it is hard to do and that is why a structured recovery framework is needed. You can learn more about why willpower alone often fails here: Why Can’t I Stop Drinking? It is written through an alcoholism lens, but the principles apply for all addictions.
When Stress Becomes a Trigger — and Escape Becomes a Pattern
T.E.M – Trigger, Excuse, Medicate is the pattern I have seen in this line of work that becomes a “given” when people are in active addiction.
Some levels of stress and anxiety happen to everyone. The goal is to deal with them through healthy coping strategies.
In addiction we talk about triggers – those things that “set off” the unhealthy pattern of escaping instead of healthy coping. The addict resorts to relief behaviour.
It works temporarily and dopamine helps to reinforce the behaviour – the ruts start to appear.
It is important to understand that this pattern develops slowly, and most people are unaware it is happening as the ruts get deeper and deeper and harder to get out of.
Dependency starts to form and dependency leads to the next phase – addiction.
For a deep dive into the effects of stress on addiction The Hidden Side of Addiction published by the National Library of Medicine discusses the effects of COVID and how the stress of that period in time contributed to increased substance abuse and overdoses.
Why This Doesn’t Mean You’re Weak — It Means Your System Found a Shortcut
This does not mean you are weak, have no values, or that it is a moral failure. Your brain has done exactly what it is designed to do.
Millions of these patterns which are called neural pathways exist in your brain and direct traffic for everything that happens to you. They exist for things like which leg to put in your pants first, how to ride a bike, where you reach for that frying pan in your kitchen without even thinking about it, and how you can walk through your house in the dark without bumping into furniture.
These patterns exist to free up our brains processing power for more complex problems. Your brain develops shortcuts to make life easier. But in the case of addictive behaviours, easier is not the desired or healthy pattern.
What Actually Helps: Learning to Process Instead of Escape
Stress and anxiety are going to happen. When you accept that, and understand your brain is wired to avoid discomfort, you’re in a position to change patterns.
When you are feeling anxious or stressed and triggered, the first step is to acknowledge it and then pause, slow down and take a few deep breaths. This activates your parasympathetic nervous system which signals “rest and digest”.
As you calm down, identify what is underneath. The stressor or trigger is real, but it is bringing up a feeling and if you want to escape, the feeling is fear.
Accept that fear is a normal human emotion, keep breathing. What you are trying to do is build a tolerance for discomfort in your life.
This simple action is a coping mechanism that can prevent avoidance and escape.
We all encounter many things every day that are a stimulus. They cause us to feel something. The things that stimulate us and the feelings they bring up are unavoidable, they are part of life. The art of living is to pause after the stimulus sit in the feelings and decide how you are going to respond. If you pause, you will respond rather than react. Escaping is reacting and often goes badly.
You don’t have to eliminate stress or anxiety to change this pattern.
That’s not realistic – and it’s not the goal.
The goal is to recognize what’s happening in real time.
To notice the urge to escape.
To pause long enough to choose something different.
That pause is where change begins.
At first, it will feel unnatural. Slower. Less effective than the quick relief you’re used to.
But over time, something shifts.
The same brain that learned to escape can learn to process.
The same system that built those “ruts” can build new ones.
And that’s where recovery actually starts – not by removing stress, but by changing your relationship to it.
If you’re reading this and recognizing the pattern in your own life, you’re not alone – and you’re not stuck.
You’re at the point where awareness is starting to replace autopilot.
And that’s a much more important step than most people realize.
If you’re trying to figure out whether what you’re dealing with is stress, anxiety, or something that’s starting to move into dependency, it can help to look at it more closely – without judgment, but with honesty.
