Introduction

Have you ever found yourself lost in a whirlwind of emotions after a significant loss? Maybe you’ve asked yourself, “Will this pain ever end?” or “How do I move forward from here?” Grief is a profound, often overwhelming experience that touches each of us at some point in our lives. Whether it’s the loss of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or even the loss of a job, grief comes in many forms and affects us deeply.
In this blog, we will explore the complex journey of grief and grieving. We’ll delve into the stages of grief, share personal stories and anecdotes, and introduce you to the Grief Recovery Method—a powerful tool to help navigate this challenging process.

Understanding Grief

Grief is a natural response to loss. It’s the emotional suffering we feel when something or someone we love is taken away. It is a commonly held belief, as introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, that the stages of grief include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It is important to note that her book and research was about the phases people go through when terminally ill and has been adapted as a way to think of grief in general.

Our understanding of the stages of grief has evolved since their introduction and they have been very misunderstood over the years. They were never meant to help put messy emotions into neat packages. They are responses to loss that many people have, but there is not a typical response to loss as there is no typical loss. Our grief is as individual as each of us.  It is particularly important to understand that grief is not a linear process; it can be messy, unpredictable, and unique to each individual.

Think about a time when you faced a significant loss. How did you cope? Did you find yourself stuck in a particular stage of grief or somewhere in your grief journey, not knowing how or if you could ever heal? Maybe you even heard people telling you “it is time to move on.” Recognizing that grief is a personal journey can help us be more compassionate towards ourselves and others.

Let’s look at the five stages of grief as adapted from Kübler-Ross’s book, On Death and Dying.

Denial

Denial is the first of the five stages of grief in this model. It helps us to survive the loss. In this stage, the world becomes meaningless and overwhelming. Life makes no sense. We are in a state of emotional shock. We go numb and have trouble feeling. We wonder how we can go on, if we can go on and sometimes, why we should go on. We try to find a way to simply get through each day. Denial and shock help us to cope and make survival possible. Denial helps us to regulate our feelings. As with physical shock, it is our body and mind’s way of letting in only as much as we can handle. As you begin to accept the reality of the loss, you start to ask yourself questions and you are unknowingly beginning the healing process. You are becoming stronger, and the denial is beginning to fade. But as you proceed, all the feelings you were denying begin to surface.  They can be disturbing and at times, overpowering.  You may want to try to ignore them or find a way to numb them or stuff them.  It is important to remember that we have feelings for a reason and that each one has a unique and special gift for us.

Sometimes the waves of emotions are more like tidal waves than gentle soothing waves.  They come out of left field and catch you by surprise.  You may think that you have moved past whatever the feeling is, but it is important to embrace that feeling because it has a purpose.

Anger

Anger is a necessary stage of the healing process. Be willing to feel your anger. The gift of anger is strength. The more you truly feel it, the more it will begin to dissipate and the more you will heal. There are many other emotions under the anger, and you will get to them in time, but anger is the emotion we are most used to managing. When your loss is of a loved one, at times your anger may impact many around you. It can extend to your friends, the doctors, your family, yourself and your loved one who died and also to God. You may ask, “Where is God in this or how can there be a God if things like this can happen? We are often taught to suppress our anger rather than feeling it. But it tells us that we are starting to get to the rest of the feelings which may be masked by the anger. By embracing anger, it allows you to recognize the intensity of your love for the one you lost.

Under anger can be many feelings and one of them is pain.  Again, pain, just like all of our feelings, is a natural one and we are meant to have it.  When you start to feel pain, it is a sign that you are moving out of the numbness of denial. Remember, other feelings which may hit you are guilt, loneliness, sadness, emptiness, self-pity, fear and hopelessness.  Allow yourself to feel them rather than suppressing or numbing them out.  They are all part of a natural process.

Bargaining

In cases of illness, and before the loss, you may bargain for your loved one to be spared or for just a little more time. “Please God,” you bargain, “I will never be angry at my wife again if you’ll just let her live.”  After a loss it may take a different form such as: “If I become an amazing person and spend the rest of my life doing charity work and good deeds, then can I wake up and realize this has all been a bad dream?”

We become lost in a sea of “If only…” or “What if…” statements. We want life returned to what it was; we want our loved one, our health or our state of being restored. We want to go back in time: find the tumor sooner, recognize the illness more quickly, stop the accident from happening…if only, if only.  During bargaining, guilt is a frequent feeling. Thinking “if only” can cause us to find fault in ourselves and what we “think” we could have done differently.  We are trying not to feel the pain of this loss.

People often think of the stages as being short lived – maybe weeks or months. They forget that the stages are responses to feelings that can last for minutes, hours or days and will come back as often as they need to for you to process them. Remember the stages and the feelings do not happen in any specific order.  For example: Just as we think we are through bargaining we may find ourselves back in anger and denial.  Or, just as we think we are headed to acceptance, we may be hit with huge feelings of sadness, loneliness, or guilt. It is all part of the grief process.

Depression

Once we have experienced bargaining – looking to the past and the “if onlys” we find ourselves in the present.  We may start to feel profound emptiness and our grief starts to enter a deep level – deeper than we could have imagined.  We begin to feel depressed. This stage feels as though it will never end. Resist the urge to seek anti-depressants or consume alcohol or other drugs which are depressants. It’s important to understand that this depression is not a sign of mental illness.  This type of depression is an appropriate response to loss. We withdraw, left in a place of intense sadness.  Sometimes we are fearful we may not be able to make it without the presence of our loved one or the restoration of our lost job, marriage or image of our perfect life.  Depression after a loss is often seen as something to be fixed. The loss is a depressing event, and depression is a normal and appropriate response. To not experience depression after a loss of something important to you or someone you love would be unusual. When a loss fully settles in, the understanding that your lost loved one, thing or state of being is not coming back is understandably depressing. Grief is a process of healing and depression is one of the many necessary steps.

Acceptance

Acceptance is often confused with the notion of coming to closure with what has happened. This is not the case. We do not want to “close” the book or the door on that part of our life.  When we lose a loved one, most people never feel OK about that loss.  If you truly loved them, it would be unnatural to feel that way.  Remember that grief is as individual as you are and so are your memories of whom or what you lost.  They are to be honored and cherished, not put away somewhere so they don’t make someone feel uncomfortable. When we lose a loved one, this stage is about accepting that they are physically gone and recognizing that this new reality is permanent. We do not have to like this reality but eventually we accept it.  It is the new norm with which we must learn to live. We must try to live in a world where our loved one is missing. At first, we may try to resist this new norm and try to maintain life as it was before a loved one died. Over time, as we acquire pieces of acceptance, we start to see that we cannot maintain all of what was. Certainly, we want to keep the memories and love alive, but life has been forever changed and we must readjust. Often early acceptance may be just having more good days than bad ones. Sometimes, as we begin to rebuild and enjoy our life, we might feel we are betraying our loved one and experience guilt. It is not about replacing what has been lost, it is about finding new relationships, activities and connections. Instead of denying our feelings, acknowledging them, embrace them and we change, grow, and evolve. In time we begin to re-invest in our friendships and in our relationship with ourselves.

The Grief Recovery Method

The Grief Recovery Method, developed by John W. James and Russell Friedman, offers a structured approach to dealing with grief. It’s a step-by-step process that helps individuals recover from loss and move forward with their lives. The method includes:

  1. **Acknowledging the Loss**: Fully recognizing and accepting the reality of the loss.
  2. **Identifying Unresolved Emotions**: Understanding and articulating the feelings associated with the loss.
  3. **Taking Action**: Completing the unfinished business and saying goodbye to the pain.

Through these steps, individuals can find a sense of closure and peace. The method emphasizes that grief is a natural and normal reaction to loss and that recovery is possible.

The first step, acknowledging the loss, involves confronting the reality of what has happened. This can be incredibly difficult, especially in the early stages of grief. You might find yourself avoiding reminders of your loss or trying to carry on as if nothing has changed. However, acknowledging the loss is a crucial step towards healing. It means allowing yourself to feel the pain and sadness that comes with loss, rather than pushing those emotions away.

Identifying unresolved emotions is the next step. This involves exploring the feelings that you may have buried or ignored. These emotions can include guilt, regret, anger, or even relief. It’s important to give yourself permission to feel these emotions without judgment. Recognizing and naming your feelings can be a powerful step towards understanding and processing your grief.

Taking action is the final step. This can involve writing a letter to the person you lost, expressing the things you never got to say. It might mean creating a ritual to honor their memory or finding a way to say a final goodbye. Taking action is about finding ways to release the pain and move towards a place of acceptance and peace.

Common Human Struggles with Grief

Grief often brings up common human struggles such as feelings of doubt, purpose, and self-worth. During grief, it’s not uncommon to question your purpose or feel a loss of identity. You might wonder, “Who am I without this person or thing in my life?”

These feelings are a normal part of the grieving process. It’s important to acknowledge them and give yourself time to work through them. You might find it helpful to journal about your feelings or talk to a trusted friend or therapist. Remember, it’s okay to ask for help.

During grief, it’s also common to experience a sense of doubt. You might doubt your ability to move forward or feel unsure about the future. These feelings of doubt can be overwhelming, but it’s important to remember that they are a natural part of the grieving process. Allow yourself to feel these doubts, but also remind yourself that healing is possible.

Purpose and self-worth can also be challenged during grief. You might find yourself questioning your place in the world or struggling to find meaning in your daily life. These feelings can be especially strong if the person you lost was a significant part of your identity or daily routine.

One way to address these feelings is to find new sources of purpose and meaning. This might involve pursuing new hobbies, volunteering, or finding ways to honor the memory of your loved one. Reconnecting with activities that bring you joy, and fulfillment can help you rebuild your sense of purpose and self-worth.

Key Points and Takeaways

Grief is a personal journey. It’s okay to take your time and to seek help when you need it. Our experienced counsellors provide a compassionate framework and step by step process to navigate this journey. Remember, acknowledging your loss and allowing yourself to feel your emotions are crucial steps in healing.

It’s also important to remember that grief doesn’t have a set timeline. You might feel intense grief for months or even years after a loss. That’s okay. Healing is not about “getting over” the loss, but about finding a way to live with it. It’s about finding a new normal and learning to move forward while still honoring the memory of what you have lost.

Repetition can be a powerful tool in reinforcing these points. Grief is a journey, not a destination. It’s okay to seek help. It’s okay to take your time. It’s not only okay to feel your emotions, it is essential to the grief recovery process. Healing is possible.

Conclusion

Grief is a universal experience, yet it feels deeply personal and isolating. By understanding grief, sharing our stories, and utilizing tested and proven tools, we can find a path to healing. If you’re grieving, know that it’s okay to seek help and take the time you need. Your journey is unique, and recovery is possible.

Take a moment today to reflect on your own experiences with grief. What steps can you take to honor your feelings and begin the healing process? Remember, you are not alone in this journey. There are resources and support systems available to help you navigate this challenging time.

If you have experienced a loss and would like some help, reach out to us at Life Recovery Healing and book a free consultation.

Click here: I need help with grief, and provide some details and someone will contact you.